Awright boys and girls. I’m going to make this quick and I’m going to make this sweet.

In 24hrs, you will have one of the best opportunities for ‘success’ with with the opposite sex, however you define that for yourself.

This is because Thursday, Dec 31 is New Year’s Eve. And in every country using the Gregorian calendar, it’s an occasion for serious merrymaking.

In the US, along with Halloween (Oct 31) and Valentine’s Day (Feb 14), it is one of the three best days of the year for meeting someone new.

So first, the guide for the ladies:

1) Pick the guy you would like to be kissing in the next 15 seconds.

2) Look at him directly in the eye while making that ‘come hither’ gesture with your forefinger.

3) When he is in smooching range, proceed to make out with him.  Unless you haven’t brushed your teeth in 5 days, he won’t protest.  Trust me on this.

Okay, we’re done for the women’s part.  Now for the boys.

For having luck with the ladies, New Year’s Eve is probably the best of the three aforementioned holidays. Why? ‘Cause everyone gets a ‘get out of jail free’ card for NYE. Engaging in borderline scandalous behavior is exactly what you’re expected to do. And everyone is expected to be kissing someone at the stroke of midnight.

So here are my tips for you on this fine day:

1) Wherever you go, show up as early as possible.

This is the most important tip, so I’m going to repeat it:

SHOW UP YOUR BUTT TO YOUR PARTY AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.

Why? Well, straight out of ‘The Tao of Networking’ (aka How to Work a Room): when you get there early, you get to see who walks in with whom. Now you know which of the fine ladies is unattached, which has a date for the eve. This is key information which will save you a lot of work later.

Second, when you show up early and no one’s there yet, you will also feel like you own the joint. This is what I call ‘host physiology’: when you feel like you own the place, you act like it; and when you act like it, you can meet any woman in the room at will.

The third reason is also huge. Generally, if your goal is to get in the lip-lock position with a cutie of your choice by midnight, you want to get the conversation started as early as possible so you have a few hours of get-to-know you time under your belt. That way both of you can feel less sleazy about the whole sordid episode.

Yes, it is possible to start making out with a woman within minutes (or less) of meeting her (for more info on that, check out the Metamorphosis Program). It’s also a hell of a lot easier to get there if she has something to go on so she knows, likes and trusts you somewhat. So get in early.

Fourth reason for getting in early is so you can choose the best girl for you. The choice a woman makes for whom she’s going to make out with at midnight may come down to which guy approached her first. So – be first! Don’t be all nonchalant and say, “Ahhh, I’ll get to that one later.” Big mistake! I’ve done it, and it sucks. Get to her now, before some douchebag latches on to her who’s so much less interesting than you and a far worse kisser. Yeesh.

2) Commit to just one party and plan on staying there the whole night.

This is a night when more is most definitely not better. Pick one party from the multitudes and stay there.

Strategically, you want to build a lot of rapport with a few people, so you’re best off staying at one place to optimize that. Also, you’re going to be toasted, and getting around while you’re drunk is a colossal pain in the rear (especially if any driving is involved – don’t even think of driving yourself around if you’re drinking, buddy).

And anyway, what would you rather be doing – partying or being in transit? A minute on the subway or in the car is a minute not spent in the revelry.

You need revelry more than you need traffic. Go be stuck in traffic next week on the way back to work, you glutton for punishment you.

3) Go to a small house party with a few friends instead of some monster mega jam with lots of random strangers.

New Year’s Eve is a great time to get together with your buds.  This is when memories are made, and whatever mischief you’re going to engage in, it will be more fun together. Also, the feelings of camarederie you’ll have from being with your friends will make you more effective with the ladies.

So pick a smaller venue like a house party where it’s not completely bonkers anonymous random people. The higher sense of rapport lends itself to better stories later and a more pleasant experience as it’s happening.

Also, the monster mega jams, in spite of the promise of having more people in them, aren’t usually all that good for meeting people. People tend to behave more like strangers towards one another when there are too many people. Once again, more is not better. Go for small.

4) Ask the magic question early and often.

Assuming your goal is to be making out with some hottie by or before midnight, and knowing that you can say pretty much whatever you want on this night and get away with it, you need to use the Magic Question a lot.

(Actually, the original Magic Question is “What’s important to you about that?,” straight out of the superb Tao of Dating for Men. For this New Year’s Eve performance, we have a substitute magic question standing in for the original one. The rest of the cast is unchanged.  Enjoy the performance.)

And the Magic Question, NYE edition, is:

“Would you like to kiss me? ‘Cause it is New Year’s Eve, y’know.”

The addition of the ‘because’ clause tends to increase compliance by a good 70% or so, as we discussed in The Tao of Persuasion course, so make sure you have it in there. My suspicion is that some of you will have crazy stories to tell me with this one. If so, I want to hear them. Lurid details please.

5) Drink moderately.

Okay, so you may be thinking I’m putting on my doctor hat here, finger-wagging and all about the eeeevils of alcohol. Umm, well, sorta. It is always a good idea not to drink yourself to oblivion. On this particular night, it’s extra-special important though.

Why?

a) Your handsome charming self functions better that way and is more likely to make points with the ladies than your drunken buffoon self.

b) Should you get really lucky, the machinery will work better and you’ll feel more of the pleasure you were so eager to get to and

c) There will be lots of drunken wastoids in the arena, and in the interest of self-preservation from all the lunging, lurching biomass, it’s best that you had your wits about you, brother.

That’s it.

Go get ‘em, tiger

AB

However, the quality of my love life was worse than it had been in any other city.  For the first two years, I just assumed I had suddenly gotten ugly and stupid.  Then I heard multitudes of other people voicing similar experiences.

Now after six years of being in this town, conducting dating seminars, answering thousands of readers’ letters and writing The Tao of Dating for Women and The Tao of Dating for Men, I’m pretty sure that Los Angeles is a particularly tough city to be single in – perhaps the toughest in the US.  Here are one man’s observations on the challenges of socializing and dating in LA:

1. According to the Singles Map, the sex ratio in LA sucks.

Anthropologists have noticed a statistic that correlates nicely with the social and sexual permissiveness of a population.  It’s called the sex ratio – the number of men for every 100 women.  In places where the sex ratio is low (i.e. excess of women over men), social mores are relaxed, women go out a lot, and everyone has a ball.  Where the sex ratio is high (i.e. excess of men), people go out less and attitudes are more conservative.  No one knows exactly why this is, but it makes sense.

This correlation tracks in large populations (e.g. whole countries like Russia) and smaller ones (e.g. cities, towns and university campuses).  According to the latest singles map from the 2006 US Census, New York has a 211,000 surplus of single women over single men, while LA has 89,000 more single men than women.  Accordingly, dating in New York City is fun, while dating in Los Angeles sucks.  This statistic alone may be the single biggest cause of the lackluster love lives of singles in LA.

2. Large distances in the world’s biggest city create a real barrier to intimacy.

Let’s say you meet someone you like — cute, fun, smart, funny.  You ask where this person lives –“Silver Lake.”  You live 20 miles away in Santa Monica — and that’s not just any 20 miles.  It’s 20 miles through one of the most car-jammed concrete jungles on the planet, with no efficient public transport to speak of.  And your helicopter’s in the shop.  Again.

20 miles is a perfectly reasonable distance to travel in the 5,000+ square miles of Los Angeles to get somewhere.  Yet, it is totally unreasonable by human terms.  It’s almost twice the length of Manhattan (13 miles) and enough distance to cross a couple of national borders in Europe.

And so the activation energy of meeting someone not nearby goes up.  Physics tells us that the higher the activation energy, the less frequent the event.  So people become less likely to meet to get to know one another casually.

Contrast this with New York City.  Even though the times required to get around in NYC are comparable, the perceived effort of taking the subway or hopping in a cab is much less than driving yourself through snarls of traffic.  Hence people there are much more willing to go places and meet up.

Which brings us to…

3. Lack of pedestrian culture reduces opportunities for casual contact.

Whenever I visit Boston, New York or London, I bump into friends – on the sidewalk, on the subway, in the parks.  This casual, unforced, unpremeditated contact is the cornerstone of building social relations.  That’s why our closest friends tend to come from work and school.

That casual contact is missing in LA, because we spend a lot of time in our wheeled steel cages.  As as in the song by Missing Persons, “Nobody walks in LA.”  And if you want to meet someone again, you have to coordinate busy schedules, make a one-on-one date and travel (see #2) – a higher-stakes proposition than bumping into someone and grabbing an apropos drink.  The higher energy required for making a date means that it happens less often.

4. Transportation challenges make even the best-intentioned people flaky.

Traffic in LA is unpredictable; as a result, even the best-intentioned people end up being late more often than they wish.

Here’s the psychology of what I think happens: once you’ve been late or missed an appointment for reasons beyond your control, your brain has to make a choice: “I’m flaky so I’m a bad person” vs. “Flakiness is okay.”  To avoid cognitive dissonance, the unconscious choice that most people make is to validate the unintended bad behavior.

Showing up late, not showing up at all and breaking promises can then become the norm.  When that happens enough times to enough people, you end up in a legendarily flaky city, and social and dating life encounter more obstacles.

5. The transience of the city’s entertainment culture adds an aura of impermanence and unreliability to social ties.

A lot of people come to LA to make it in the entertainment industry, which is a fleeting, fickle creature.  Is it too farfetched to see that fickleness permeating all the way down to the participants in that industry and their social bonds?

A peculiar energy permeates a town when so many people are trying to advance an ego-based agenda – my role, my song, my script – which may not be the most conducive energy for building meaningful, lasting relationships.  Bringing us to…

6. Dating people in the entertainment industry is fraught with unique challenges.

I’ve already written another article about dating actors, so I’ll make this brief: dating people with uncertain finances, erratic schedules and fragile egos is a challenge requiring saintlier patience than most people possess.

7. Nightlife shuts down at 1am and you have to drive your own butt home afterwards.

Last call being 2am in Los Angeles, most establishments start kicking you out at 1am.  So just when things have started to get interesting, the party shuts down.  In cities like Berlin, New York, London, Barcelona and Paris, people often start going out at 1am, and the social life is correspondingly more raucous.

Lack of public transport also means that people stay sober enough to drive back home.  As a result, the social lubricant effects of alcohol don’t operate in the same way as in a city with public transport.

Mathematically stated, less party time + less imbibing of adult beverages = less fun.  This, plus the other six aforementioned factors, may very well make LA the toughest big city in the US to be single in.

I’ve found that the best way to overcome these challenges is to carve out a smaller, more local niche of friends based on shared interests and to cultivate that group with intimate events like book clubs, mixers, dinner parties and game nights.  How have you managed to create a lively community of friends in spite of tough odds?

Lisa-
Great story!  Now, this is the question you have to ask yourself: “Is this sustainable for another 6mos?  Another year?  Another 5 years? Is this how I want to feel and how i want to be treated?”

If the answer is yes, then carry on.  If not, then that means you have to break up eventually, and sooner may be better than later.  You can do it deliberately with a clear head, or you can wait for nasty circumstances to do it for you (another incriminating text, finding him in bed with someone).  I vote for the former option.

Remember that fulfillment is a feeling, not a person.  Suspicion and mistrust, which is a lot of what you’re experiencing, don’t sound like fulfillment to me.

As for saying that you ‘love’ him: that may be true, but you have a duty to yourself and to the world to love yourself first.  Being with someone who doesn’t value you and isn’t a catalyst for your flourishing into the best possible version of you, is not being loving to yourself.  That always comes first — I don’t want to hear any of this Whitney Houston martyr complex nonsense.

Two other things:

You already know what he said to his friend is not ‘just guy talk.’  If you’re with a man who’s reasonably charming and experienced with women, unless he has stated explicitly that you are exclusive together, you should assume you are not.  With the pre-existing trust issues you’re talking about, it’s a safe assumption that he’s pursuing other options.  It may not be what you want to hear, but it is the way things are.

And you should not be messing around with his phone.  I would consider that a massive violation of privacy, and he probably does, too.  That one’s on you.  However, if things were going well, you wouldn’t be snooping around anyway, so it’s a symptom of a much bigger trust issue.

Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person is one of the big themes of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.  If you want to find the fulfillment that you truly deserve, you need to read the book already.

Just last week I was having dinner with Katie on her birthday.  She was coming off a 6-year relationship with her boyfriend Dustin.  Katie’s 30; he was 41.

You could tell that the breakup was still stinging three months after the fact.  Frankly, I didn’t see why: if a guy’s 41 and still doesn’t marry you after 6 years, he’s clearly the wrong guy for the job - fire him so you can make room for the right one.

But this argument did not wash with Katie.  She still wanted him, because she loooooved him.

Oh really.

Well, I was never really convinced about this Dustin guy anyway.  Y’know why?  Because Katie’s a pretty social person.  She goes to events and parties all the time - in fact, I met her at a party about a year and a half ago

And you know what?  Not once did I see him accompanying her to any of these functions.  I’ve never met Dustin!  To me, he may as well have been a fictional character in a Jane Austen novel.  “Ohh Mr Dustin - how he makes me swoon!”

Yeah, but where the hell is he if not by your side?

And by her side is exactly where he should have been, because Katie’s kind of a babe - tall, sweet and with a smile that melts icebergs.  Only a fool would let a woman like that roam alone.

But I digress.  The point is that I needed to impress upon Katie that this breakup was a Good Thing.

So I asked her, “Well, Katie, on a scale of 1-10, how often did he give you backrubs and how good were they?”

She thought about it for a sec, and said ‘4′.  He didn’t really do much of that at all. My guess is that the 4 was pretty generous.

“And how often did he cook for you?”  That got a 3.

“And how good was the sex - quality and frequency?”  To his credit, that was an 8.

“And how often did he say ‘I love you’ or genuinely appreciate you?”  That was a 5.

“So what you’re telling me, Katie, is that out of a possible 40 points this guy scores a measly 20 - and you still want him because…?”

That got her thinking.

And thus was born the Deadbeat Boyfriend Test, aka the Dude-O-Meter.

As you may know, I wrote The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible partially out of the frustration of seeing so many of my fabulous female friends who were dating duds, not dudes.

I just get sick and tired of that - and it’s still happening all around me.  Heck, it could even be you that it’s happening to.

So here are some signs that you’re in a relationship with a dud:

1. You often find yourself making excuses for his behavior, either to others or to yourself:

“Oh, but he’s really busy at work.”
“Oh, he’s just like that.”
“Boys will be boys.”

You know what I’m talking about?  You definitely know what I’m talking about.

2. You are doing most of the calling, initiating of contact and making of plans.  As in all of it.  He’ll do stuff with you if you prompt him, but otherwise it’s on you.

Love is action — especially for a guy.  What kind of action is he taking to seek you out and demonstrate that he values you?

3. He’s not with you when you’re out at various social events, and many of your friends haven’t met him.

4. Most (or all of your friends) quietly or vociferously disapprove of him, and you’re often saying things like, “But you don’t know him like I know him.”

Yeah, if they did, they’d all be running for the hills.  Your friends care for you and see things more clearly than you do, so listen to them.

5. He has said something mean-spirited and nasty to you at any point in time.

You may think that this is okay if it’s happened rarely.  But you have to understand that in good relationships, this never happens.  Not once in 5 decades.  That’s the standard you should be comparing to.

6. He has ever raised his voice with you.

Again, there’s no place for this in a trusting, loving, supportive relationship.

7. He has ever hit you.

I’d like to make it clear that if items 5-7 have happened EVEN ONCE - and I really do mean even just once - you have a duty to yourself, to your friends, to your family and to the world to get out of this relationship, like, now.  Immediately.  Pronto.  No delay, no time to deliberate about it.  This is an emergency.  If you’re having a hard time doing it, get some help.

Items 1-4 are pretty clear warning signs that you are wasting your life on this guy.

The problem isn’t that the guy you’re with is necessarily an ogre but that there’s so much left to be desired.  It’s like you’ve been eating at Subway every day and thinking, “Well, this is alright - what do I have to complain about?”

Darlin’- the problem is that alright is simply not good enough (cue Sarah MacLachlan song).  I want you to go for amazing.  For the kind of guy who sees the goddess in you every day and is a catalyst for your becoming the best version of yourself.

(Of course, ideally, you’re doing the same for him - right?  You lead with love and offer it first.  We’re assuming that you’ve read my book and gotten your own house in order first, offering amazingness so you can receive amazingness

So the point is this:

Since most women are ‘nice’, they’re not very assertive when it comes to asking for what they want, even when they’re not fulfilled.  So they’ll stay in a relationship as long as there’s not something grossly wrong with it.

They also have a scarcity mindset, thinking, “I know he’s a lout and a dud, but if I let him go, then I’m all alone - aiiieeeeeee…”  Well, call me crazy, but I just like to think that among the 3.2 billion (BILLION!) dudes out there, you can do one better.  And if you’re better off alone, that’s what you should be instead of being with him.

Sometimes it takes a catastrophic event to shake her up and realize they’re wasting their time (which is the stuff life is made of, incidentally).  Sometimes it takes a caring friend determined to wake her up.  Sometimes it takes a random guy reaching out of the ether of the internet with a wake-up call in the shape of an email.

If this article resonates with you, I wish you courage in taking decisive action.

And just for kicks, why don’t you apply the Deadbeat Boyfriend Test to your current squeeze and see how he does.

Oh, and if you have a friend with a questionable boyfriend, you definitely want to do it for her.  It may not be entirely scientific, but there’s a more than a grain of truth in it.

I mean, if he’s getting a low score, why isn’t he cooking for you and giving you backrubs?  Why is he miserable in the sack?  Whether it’s because you’re not doing your homework either or that he’s not that kind of dude, there’s a lesson worth learning here.

So here are the 4 questions of the Deadbeat Boyfriend Test, scored on a scale of 0-10, ten being the highest rating:

1. How often does he give you backrubs?  Rate on frequency and quality.

Backrub is a general idea.  The idea is that he likes to serve you and make you feel great.

2. How often does he cook for you?  Rate on frequency and quality.

If he’s really not the cooking type (which is most guys), taking you out to dinner is an acceptable substitute - he can get a max score of 7 on that.

3. How satisfied are you with the sex?

4. How often does he tell you he loves you or otherwise lavish you with praise?

Until we have more scientific guidelines, here’s what I suggest:

Score of 34-40: A keeper!  Good job.  Now make him feel like the man he’s always wanted to be, and he’ll never leave you.

Score of 29-33: Ok, so this guy has potential but needs some brushing up.  Maybe he’s gotten too caught up in work, or maybe he just needs some encouragement from you.  Give him some hints and see if he rises to the occasion.

Score of 25-28: This is borderline.  Neglect has already become a habit here, and unless he really steps up and starts making you a priority in his life, not an option, you need to dump his ass in about a week.

Score less than 25: Dump him. This is not a decision that needs to be delayed or regretted.  Why?  Because you deserve better, that’s why.  It’s not about him - it’s about you.  And my job is to make sure you’re happy and fulfilled.

Now that you’ve read that, I have a favor to ask you: were you in a bad situation at some point, and if you were, how did you get out of it?  I’ve found that these case studies are tremendously useful for others to read, so please share.  Either send them via email, or post them as a comment on the blog.

The power is within you

Dr Alex

Knowing that my Big Apple friends are busy bees, I wrote them all an email a month before getting there, saying in essence, “I’m coming, would love to see you, prepare the city for my arrival.”

Of them, just over half responded and said they wanted to hang out. Two college friends from college were particularly enthusiastic. Outstanding.

Let me tell you what happened. I got to see about half of those who responded. And I didn’t connect to the two really enthusiastic ones at all. They didn’t even return my last phone call to arrange a meeting.

Now, if this had happened a few years ago, I would have been devastated. “I’ve known these cats for over 15 years, and they won’t even show up after they haven’t seen me in forever? What’s the world coming to?”

But surprisingly, this time around, it didn’t bother me at all. Not a smidge.

What was different?

It wasn’t always this way, so before this becomes some kind of grand exposition on my spiritual development, let’s examine the kind of belief structures that made this possible for this formerly sensitive guy.

And why does this matter? Because if you can get over your buddy of 15 years ditching you in the middle of New York City after you haven’t seen him in years, you can certainly handle the vagaries of dating, or any other endeavor that involves humans disappointing you regularly.

So here are the five principles:

1) Ascribe positive intent.

My stance was that I love these guys, and they love me back. So if something happened, it happened in spite of the fact that they wanted to hang out with me. I ascribed to them a positive intent.

Events in themselves have no meaning, and we usually have the latitude to pick a positive, negative or neutral interpretation of what happens. The positive one usually makes you feel better, so I recommend you pick that one.

2) Suspend judgment and take action instead.

I wasn’t thinking, “Wow, how very awful of them to do this.” I simply assessed the situation at hand (”This time slot that I thought was taken before is now available”) and I took action (”Now I can go do something else in this vast metropolis”).

Being fulfillment-centered means focusing on what makes you happy. If finding something fun to do makes you happier than stewing in your own juices, do that instead.

The Tao says that water doesn’t try to topple or break an obstacle it encounters; it simply finds a way to go around it. This was facilitated by the fact that…

3) Have options.

I had several other friends and social events where I could spend my time, so I picked one of those. This way, I was busy and enjoying myself and simply didn’t have the mental space to worry about the missing buddies.

Now you could say, “Well, that’s nice, but what about those who don’t have as many options?”

Here’s the good news: You always have options, especially when you think you don’t. This is the essence of the principle of abundance.

Look around, do some research, and you’ll find something worth your while, always. Your ability to entertain yourself and have a ball regardless of circumstance is a prime determinant of your success in dating and life. Which brings us to…

4) Be your own best option.

Do you dread being alone, or do you know exactly what you would do if you had a few spare hours? Because you can only provide others with good company if you’re your own good company first. Realize that although you may *want* company and find it pleasant, you never *need* it. Big difference.

Meditation can get you to that realization. If you’re perfectly happy and blissed-out doing nothing, then anything else is just gravy on top.

To apply this to a dating context, this means that even if you don’t have any company available to you, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have a decent alternative to any company you *could* have.

In the Tao of Persuasion course, I talk about this as your BATNA — best alternative to a negotiated agreement. Your hidden power in a negotiation comes from your BATNA. Every dating situation is like a negotiation, so make you your most poweful BATNA.

5) Practice compassion.

This goes back to the interpretation thing. When someone ‘does you wrong’ — whatever that means — you have three choices of reactions.

a) Get mad. Easy. Feels good at first, crappy in long run.

b) Be indifferent. Hard, unless you are a cabbage.

c) Feel good about it. Easier than it sounds. And yes, it feels good to feel good.

So how can you feel good about getting dissed? Simple: practice compassion. If someone ‘wronged’ you, it could mean that the person had some temporary (or worse, permanent) spiritual issue. So the same way you wouldn’t make fun of a sick person, you wouldn’t make fun of him. You would send compassion. And compassion feels good. And feeling good empowers you.

So you just turned a seemingly adverse event into empowerment. Neat trick, eh.

When I was younger, I used to hear things like ‘turn the other cheek’ or ‘love thine enemy’ and it made no sense to me. How the hell is getting slapped on both cheeks better than getting slapped on one?

But now, looking at it metaphorically, it makes a lot more sense. Compassion just makes you a more powerful person. Strengthens your immune system, too. Anger jumbles up your nerves, grinds you down and makes you more susceptible to disease. Your pick.

So, as you go through the challenges of dating and friendship, remember: suspension of judgment, assumption of positive intent, compassion and abundance consciousness are your weapons. Use them wisely, and may life be your non-stop party.

The power is within you,

Dr Alex

I get many letters like this from readers (both male and female):

“I met this guy, and he took me to dinner, and it was really romantic, but he did/didn’t try to kiss me, then he called/didn’t call back, then he asked/didn’t ask me out again, and what does it all mean is he interested what should I do help help help.”

Now, many of you think I have magical powers. And it’s absolutely true. For example, I can make whole plates of pasta vanish in seconds and order beer in 12 languages.

However, reading the minds of your dates whom I have never seen nor met is not one of those powers. I missed that boat of psychic ability.

Additionally, trying to parse each individual situation for an ultimate answer doesn’t work so well, because there are millions of situations and often no ultimate answer.

However, just a few reliable principles can solve a whole bunch of problems. I’ve found the following five principles pretty handy. They form the backbone of the Tao of Dating book for women and men, and here they are:

1. Abundance, or wealth-consciousness.

Anaїs Nin once said, “We do not see the world as it is; we see the world as we are.” Thus you have the choice to see the world with a lens of wealth-consciousness or poverty-consciousness. Do you see scarcity, lack and limitation around you, or wealth, possibility and abundance?

The mindset you choose bears directly upon the success of your love life (and your success in general). Scarcity-consciousness - e.g. “all the good ones are taken” - begets neediness, and neediness is not attractive.

Big-heartedness and self-sufficiency, on the other hand, work much better. Even the Bible has something to say about that: “For he that hath, to him shall be given: and he that hath not, from him shall be taken away even that which he hath.”

Seems kind of mean, but it’s just the way of the world: wealth begets wealth. So even if you don’t have a companion, act as if there is an unlimited supply of what you want available to you already.

And you know what? There is. Because even if only one thousandth of one percent of the 6.5 billion people in this world are cool enough to be eligible for your companionship, that’s, oh, 65,000 folks. That’s enough dates to tide you over for a whole month.

2. Enlightened self-interest.

This one has three words in it. ‘Enlightened’ means that you make decisions by considering the long-term consequences of your actions. Short-sighted decisions - e.g. “I know he’s a bad boy, but it’ll be so much fun” - usually end in tears and/or heartbreak.

‘Self’ means that your welfare takes priority, just like in the pre-flight announcement where they say put on your own oxygen mask first, then help others in the case of an emergency. To be able to take care of anyone else, you need to take care of you first. Simple, totally non-negotiable, and often neglected.

‘Interest’ means that you’re signing up for your fulfillment and joy, not your pain. If a relationship is making you miserable and unhappy - like that of my friend Holly who was being put down and punched up by the man she was supporting financially - consider ending it. Because fulfillment is a feeling, not a person. So if you’re not getting fulfilling feelings in a relationship, chances are you’re with the wrong person.

3. The Be-Do-Have paradigm (vs. Have-Do-Be).

Many people think like this: “If I have a great partner, then I can do the things that people with partners do, and then I can be happy.” That’s actually the tail wagging the dog. The proper sequence is: “If I am a happy, self-sufficient, generous and charming person, then I will have a great life and do things that feel good and make me attractive, and then, as a pleasant side-effect, will have fabulous companions who are naturally attracted to my life.”

Successful change begins at the level of identity and belief, so first, be the kind of person you want to be. From the right beliefs will flow the right actions, or te (the middle word from Tao Te Ching) naturally and effortlessly, from which will come right results.

4. Yin-Yang (Feminine-Masculine) Polarity

The Taoists say that two poles are necessary for energy to flow: the receptive or feminine yin and the projecting or masculine yang. We see this in nature: water runs from high to low; electricity flows between cathode and anode; magnetic force goes between north and south poles.

This is especially true of human relations. Without polarity, relationships fall flat, whether in heterosexual or same-sex couples: someone has to wear the pants.

As a man, if you take on too much yin, you risk turning into an indecisive wimp, which is not necessarily appealing to women. Having an open heart is great; just remember to keep your spine also.

As a woman, if you take on too much yang, you risk turning into a facsimile of a guy, which may be admirable but not necessarily attractive. Strength is great, but remember that femininity is what draws in the masculine.

5. Get out of your own way.

Recently a very intelligent woman wrote to tell me she couldn’t date guys who were less smart than her, because they bored her. And when she finally found a guy who was smarter than her, she found herself competing with him and putting him down out of insecurity, thereby driving him away. Basically, she could not win.

So much pain in dating is self-inflicted and has to do with upholding our own importance or appeasing the ego.

Therefore I will state here without proof that there is no greater waste of your energy than upholding your own importance. Get used to the idea that it just doesn’t matter.

The Buddhists have this nifty concept called anatta, or no-self. It basically means that nothing in the universe has a fixed identity - especially you. If you’re breathing and have a heartbeat and just read this phrase, billions of things changed in your mind and body right now. So you’re fundamentally not the same you were five seconds ago, let alone five years ago. So quit trying to defend something that essentially isn’t there.

Whether or not you fully buy into this concept, it’s a handy notion: with no ego to be rejected, insulted or hurt, you’re much more likely to have an open heart and take risks in love. You’re also more likely to be kind, compassionate, and fun to be around.

When you practice anatta, all the energy that was used for judgment, competition and defensiveness can now be used for a better purpose: practicing the loving.

Waiting for the world to arrange its circumstances perfectly to allow you to start loving, to paraphrase Ramana Maharshi, is like wanting to cover the world in leather so you can walk barefoot. It is much simpler to wear shoes. The time to love is always now.

So if your best thinking got you here, perhaps it’s time to start something new: practice abundance; take the long view; be the change you want to see; and open into even greater loving.

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email: dralex(at)thetaoofdating.com

Follow Dr. Alex Benzer on Twitter: www.twitter.com/dralexbenzer ]]> http://thelek.com/blog/dating-in-la/the-tao-of-dating-5-principles-to-overcome-any-challenge-in-your-love-life/feed/ http://thelek.com/blog/dating-in-la/conversation-tips-for-%e2%80%99sexy-nerdy-girls%e2%80%99/ http://thelek.com/blog/dating-in-la/conversation-tips-for-%e2%80%99sexy-nerdy-girls%e2%80%99/#comments Tue, 07 Jul 2009 23:10:13 +0000 dralex http://thelek.com/blog/?p=750 First of all, I’d like to say a happy Persian New Year to everyone out there.  The vernal equinox marks the first day of spring as well as the beginning of the Persian calendar.  It’s a time of renewal, rebirth and remembrance, and an excellent excuse to party, which I encourage all of you to do.

Now here’s a letter from a reader a propos last night’s teleseminar:

i listened in to your seminar last night… i had a question. last night the last third of your talk centered around how to help men feel confident enough to approach women. you suggested (and said several times) that women know what to do “naturally” in that scenario.

especially for smart women, i have to disagree: we don’t!

i’d be interested in your suggestions for sexy nerdy girls who either shoot down men who do approach by being too “smart”  (over engaging in intellectual convo too soon with a dude) or ones like me who don’t know how to the “natural” thing and allow men to approach.

feel free to reprint in your email blast. am curious to hear your advice. (my advice to myself is to stop looking at the floor and make eye contact. but easier said than done.) –Samantha, New York City

Thanks for writing in, Sam.

When I say that women naturally know what to do, I mean that they are constantly sending unconscious nonverbal signals inviting men into their space. Some studies show that over 60% of the time, it’s the woman who’s initiating contact with the man through some kind of nonverbal behavior.

Straight out of Chapter 9 of The Tao of Dating for Women: psychologist Monica Moore observed over 200 women at a party and categorized their successful moves to initiate interaction (technically known as their nonverbal solicitation signals).  The most common and most effective one was by a huge margin was ’smiling at him broadly’.  Second was throwing him a short, darting glance.

In this case, I’m going to say that it’s easier done than said.  Really, how many muscles do you have to engage to smile or glance at a guy?  How many molecules of ATP do you have to burn?  I’d bet good money that writing about how hard it is takes a lot more effort than just doing it.

Everything you want is outside of your comfort zone.  If something’s inside your comfort zone, you wouldn’t want it because you already have it (or it’s just not compelling to you).  So, by definition, getting what you want involves making yourself a little uncomfortable.  Once you make your peace with that, it gets a lot easier to do new stuff, because you kinda have no choice.

But there’s something else.  Over the years, I couldn’t help but notice how those same reserved, brainy, so-called socially awkward girls turn into raging flirtmobiles after a couple of glasses of chardonnay (or Old Milwaukee).  It’s already in there!  You know how!  Look — I’d be a fool to think I, a mere dude, could teach women how to be flirty.   I can’t teach you anything you don’t already know.

That said, the other part of your question comes up a lot, namely “suggestions for sexy nerdy girls who either shoot down men who do approach by being too ’smart’  (over engaging in intellectual convo too soon with a dude).”

Two principles are in operation here.  First off, you should never, ever dumb yourself down for a guy if it’s important that you have an intellectual connection with your future male companion.  If you’re brilliant, then you need to stay brilliant.  The world needs your light, and you’re not doing any good by diminishing it.

The second principle is knowing what to talk about.  As a guy who’s into so-called sexy nerdy girls, listening to a woman hold forth on a topic she’s passionate about is very appealing indeed.  I like a woman with stories, opinions and brains.

But not necessarily a woman who is all opinions and brains.

The key here is balance.  To me, holding forth on an intellectual topic is a yang, or masculine, function.  It projects outwards, and what projects is yang.  What receives is yin.  In a woman with a predominantly yin essence, a little bit of yang — however it manifests — is quite appealing.  It’s like the spice that enhances the flavor of the dish.  Spice = yang; dish = yin.

The trouble arises when there is too much yang.  This can manifest in many forms: cutting a guy off, being intellectually overbearing, dominating the conversation, interrupting too much, correcting people.  It can also manifest as too many facts and questions.  Flirtation is the yin of conversation and what makes the communication sexual — the ‘you Tarzan, me Jane’ aspect of it.  Too many facts make the interaction antiseptic and asexual.  So remember to sprinkle in liberal amounts of banter and teasing.

I’ll never forget an incident a few years ago right about this Persian New Year time.  I was with a group of friends that included a woman I had just started dating (let’s call her Karen).  Another woman in the group asked about Noruz and what it’s all about, so I started explaining the history of it all.  Out of nowhere, Karen cuts me off and starts telling the story, completely silencing me in the process.  I appreciated her enthusiasm about my cultural heritage, but I never called her again after that.

So what you want to do is keep in mind what’s the spice and what’s the dish — bring in a little yin every once in a while.  That’s why I recommend listening as the #1 conversational technique for women.  It’s actually pretty hard to just sit there, without interrupting, and listen to a guy till he’s finished with what he’s saying.  So if you’re the rare woman who can do that while drawing the guy out by saying things like, “Wow, that’s really interesting — tell me more,” then guys will absolutely adore you.

If a guy can’t keep up with you — well, he’s probably not going to be a good long-term match for you anyway, so you don’t lose much by moving on.  But if he can keep up and you’re the one ruining the interaction by bringing on too much yang, that’s something you can control.

The power really is within you,

AB

“What qualifies you to write this book?”

Well, nothing really.  See, I actually don’t want you to just listen to me and accept everything I say - the whole point of the exercise is to figure out stuff for yourself.  I present ideas for you to test.  If the principles work for you, use them.  If not, toss them and use something else.  This is better known as the ‘be your own damn guru’ principle.

Moreover, you may have noticed that I’m a guy.  I’m generally pleased with that situation, intermittent requests to die for my country notwithstanding. However, it poses handicaps when attempting to gain deep insight into the feminine psyche.

That’s why I borrow the brains of remarkable women like Marianne Williamson to aid me in the task.  She wrote this great book called A Woman’s Worth that everybody should read, guys included.

I’ve also caught glimpses of the goddess and know what she looks like.  The Taoist principle at work here says that you can’t see a mountain if you’re standing on it.  You, the goddess, are standing upon the mountain of goddesshood.  I, the pilgrim, am looking at you awestruck from the foothills.  This means that often I can see and appreciate you better than you can see yourself.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Who, me, goddess? I am not pretty enough - it’s the pretty ones who have that kind of power.” Or, if you’re pretty: “Well, I’m pretty, but there’s always someone younger, prettier, with smoother skin and a nicer butt.”  Or: I am not smart enough.  Or: I’m too smart.  I’m too young and inexperienced.  I’m too old.

All the internal chatter is self-contradictory nonsense anyway, so let’s just stop it all right now.  That brings us to the first Goddess Principle:

1) The Goddess exists now and only now.  Get rid of all the excuses.  You are what you’ve been waiting for. Claim the power and be it.

Eastern traditions like Hinduism and Tantric Buddhism hold that we are all incarnations of the divine.  So the goddess already lives within you - it’s just a matter of acknowledging that presence and revealing it.  I love this line from ‘A Woman’s Worth’:

‘That’s all that separates the queens from the slavegirls: a shift in consciousness from denial to acceptance of personal power.’

Now I don’t know how you define ‘goddess’ for yourself.  Maybe it means being the embodiment of compassion, grace, beauty, sensuality, kindness, wisdom, or joy.

However you define the term, there is no physical barrier keeping you from expressing those qualities right now - like 7-11, goddess-hood is available to you 24/7.  You merely have to choose to express it.  That is the second principle:

2) The goddess is service.  Service is at once the exercise of her power and the flourishing of it.  The more of it she does, the more she grows into her goddess power.

The power of the goddess is the power to elevate those around her — with something as simple as a word of encouragement, a warm hand on the shoulder, or a look of appreciation.  That kind of service is its own reward.

When I think of examples of the goddess, names like Marie Curie, Florence Nightingale and Oprah Winfrey come to mind.  Nobody says they’re perfect, but they are perfect in giving their particular gift fully.  That motivates the third principle:

3) The goddess serves by giving her gift.  Therefore she specializes in the giving of her particular love-infused gift.

Athena, Diana, Aphrodite, Inanna, Guan-Yin — all are goddesses from different traditions, each with particular attributes: wisdom, love, fertility, compassion, and the all-important bowhunting skills.

Service is not the same as servitude, and you need not be all things to all people, so stick with your strengths.  The part about compassion, service and love are never optional, so make sure you have those down.  Then specialize: pick some aspect of the goddess that you’re already good at and be exceptionally good at it.

Once again, Marianne Williamson expresses this more eloquently than I ever could:

[The world] will change when every woman gets it that we are all beautiful, powerful and strong. That we deserve love and approval and support.  That we would all be glorious if we could only spread our wings.  That we are, each one of us, a portion of a great and mighty Goddess self. (‘A Woman’s Worth,’  p32-33)

4) The goddess embodies both feminine and masculine energy, but majors in feminine and minors in masculine in her intimate relations with men.

If you’re interested in being appealing to men, here’s a little secret: we guys like you because you’re women!  It’s an amazing, beautiful thing.  We like strength and confidence, too, but more as the spice rather than the main dish (hint: most straight guys aren’t not looking for a guy facsimile in a companion).

It’s a challenge, especially with all the masculine energy necessary for success in the modern world.  Yet it’s well worth your while to practice leaving the directive yang energy at work and to bring more of the receptive yin energy to your hearth.

That’s a topic for a whole other article. In the meantime, embody those wondrous feminine qualities of softness, grace and receptivity, and we men are putty, I tell you.

5) The goddess leads with love.  She does not wait for the world to arrange its circumstances to be just so for her to give her gift.

The first two Goddess Principles established that your gift is ever-present.  So what are you waiting for - give it already!

Oh, I see.  You’re waiting to give your gift to someone who’s *worthy*.  See, but this is not about commerce or quid pro quo here.  This is about you being the ever-shining sun - not because it’s a good idea, but rather because it’s your nature.  This is about your heart being open all the time.  The openness and radiance are their own reward.  And, as a pleasant side-benefit, the good men will notice and flock to you in droves (if that’s what you want).

So practice opening your heart right now.  Imagine your child, niece or nephew and the barrierless love you feel for them as they run up to you to give you a flower.  How open is your heart now?  How ready are you to embrace that child?  Does it feel good?

Then why not practice the openness all the time.  And if you’re single, that open, loving version of you is the one you want on display, since it’s the most likely version to capture the attention of Mr Right when he saunters along.

In a recent seminar, I elaborated on these concepts.  Click here to listen to an excerpt and download the full hourlong version of the How to Be A Modern Goddess teleseminar.  I hope you find it useful and uplifting.

The power is within you,

Dr Alex

I have a question about a guy.  I think you stated I get one free consult question?? I was introduced to a great guy who is the best friend of my best friend’s husband so there is a lot of history there that I knew about before I met him.  This made dating him easy since I knew his awesome character! The only problem I see with this maybe not working out is that his speech is not the greatest.  He is from a small town so he says things like, ” I done, I seen and them guys”.  My question is: Can this be a deal breaker? …or does this really matter?  Or…can I get him to learn a little correct english at age 40?  I am not college educated and my english is not the greatest either, but I cringe whenever those words come out of his mouth.  Otherwise, he is the greatest guy I have ever dated. Thanks for your imput!! Diana

Thanks for writing, Diana.  Your story exemplifies the idea of getting in the way of your own fulfillment.

What matters is how he makes you feel — and how you make him feel.  Nobody’s going to be 100% perfect, so if he’s the greatest guy ever except for this one thing that he says, that’s pretty good.

My friend and fellow advisor Evan Marc Katz says “don’t hit on 20″, which is a metaphor from the game of blackjack that’s highly applicable to this situation.  Why try to improve something that’s already pretty good?

Here’s what i suggest: instead of trying to ‘fix’ him, focus on appreciating him for what he has to offer.

After you’ve done that, you can ask him if he’s interested in sounding even more intelligent.  Only AFTER he’s given his consent can you offer some tips after you have his consent and cooperation.

This is what I call leading with love.  To correct him just to relieve your own annoyance is not done out of love — it’s done out of egotism.  But once you change your orientation to genuine concern about he feels about himself, then you have license to give him a grammar tip.

In my own practice, I first ask clients, “Are you open to feedback?”  After they say yes, I ask, “Would you like me to sugarcoat my statements or to be ruthlessly compassionate?”  Once they’ve chosen the hotness of the sauce, then I proceed.

Also, it’s a good idea to focus on getting your own house in order first.  Perhaps it drives him nuts that you say ‘imput’ instead of ‘input’ and he’s been a perfect gentleman about it all along.  And who knows what dozens of other blindspots we have about our own mannerisms that our friends are too gracious to point out.

So once again, lead with love and you can’t go wrong.  Appreciate and reinforce the parts you like about him and worry less about the rest. If you are going to level some kind of criticism or complaint, remember that Prof John Gottman’s research showed that a 5-to-1 ratio keeps a relationship healthy — 5 nice comments for every one negative one.

Hi! Alex,
I have been enjoying your autoresponder updates.  Thank you!  I am grateful that my friend told me about you!

My question is:

When a man uses vulgar language (mainly the “f” word) around me (and we are just getting to know one another), how do I let him know that I would rather not hear that? Sure, I have heard the word a lot in life (I am 56) and even said it myself a few times (usually softly when no one’s around!), but I feel uncomfortable when a guy uses it in front of me…

Thanks and blessings! Maureen from Seattle

Well well.  This is a universal issue, isn’t it.  How do we ask for what we want when it can potentially offend the person we’re asking?  It also comes up when giving unsolicited (but direly needed) advice: for example, how do you tell someone he or she has bad breath?  Or that her boyfriend is a loser and she needs to dump him pronto?

There are a few motives here working at cross-purposes.  One is genuine concern for the friend.  Second (a corollary to the first) is not wanting to hurt the friend’s feelings.  And the third is to get some relief for yourself.

First of all, I’d like to bring to your attention that of the three motives listed above, only one really matters: your genuine concern for your friend.  Number two, namely not wanting to hurt the friend’s feelings, is still part of the fact that you care.

Forget about relief for yourself and instead frame it thus: “If this person continues to have raging halitosis, his friends, including me, will probably be less willing to hang around him, and his life will be less rich for that.”

Now your selfish concern is an unselfish one, which will make you more empowered to speak your mind and tell him about the stinky breath.  Because now, it’s more like you’re shoving him out of the way of a falling piano instead of just nagging him.

Great!  Now that you’re willing to tell him, how do you tell him?

Since I’m in the business of telling people what’s good for them even when they don’t necessarily want to hear it, I’ve thought long and hard about how to package the medicine such that the patient not only takes it but wants to keep on talking to you after taking it.

What I’ve found to work is to ask for consent first: “Would you like to take care of this problem?  Would you like me to help you with that?”  After you get a yes, then you deliver the medicine: “Well then, this is what I suggest you do.”

In the case above, for example, Maureen would say, “Hey, Mr Occasional Foulmouth.  I was just wondering if you really enjoyed my company and would like to see me more often.”  Why yes, he says.  That’s the part about getting consent.

Then you say, “Well, I just want you to know that I get a little uncomfortable when you use foul language around me, and I enjoy your company a lot more and am much more likely to hang out with you if you used softer language.”

What works best is using a non-judgmental tone that focuses on YOU, not him, and focuses on what you want him to DO, not what you don’t.  Phrase things positively.

Here’s another format that has worked for me: “Would you be interested in some feedback about such-and-such?”  If you get a yes, then you ask, “Would you like me to sugarcoat it, or would you prefer that I be ruthlessly compassionate?”  Then you proceed to tell what’s on your mind, as positively and non-judgmentally as possible, at the level of bluntness that they requested.

Sometimes — most of the time, actually — when you do this, nothing happens.  The behavior does not change.  And that’s when you have to decide which is more important: the company of your friend, or relief from the irritating behavior.

We don’t get line-item vetoes when it comes to friends — you accept or reject the whole package.  And a big part of living a happy life involves accepting the world as it is, versus wishing it to conform to our particular whim.  So if a friend’s habit is truly irritating (e.g. nose-picking in public) or detrimental (e.g. crack addiction), it’s your duty as a friend to speak up.

But, as Krishna says to Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita, you are entitled to your labors, but not the results of your labors.  So if you will err, err on the side of loving people for who they are instead of trying to fix them.  It makes for a richer and easier life.